MOVIE REVIEW: There is a not-so-fine line between preaching to the converted, and preying upon the conned.
The cinematic keepers of the Twilight flame have lurched back and forth across this line from the get-go, tactfully trousering every last buck they can from a blindly devoted fan base.
No point in complaining now. The Twi-hards went into this deal with their eyes wide open and their brains switched off.
That it has taken 5 instalments to tell a story that probably warranted 2, at the very most, matters little. Most Twilight tragics would have happily sat through 10 movies to keep the phenomenon going.
So here it is. The end of the long, long line. The second half of the last goodbye.
Where were we? Oh yeah. Mopy ex-mere-mortal Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is now a vampire. She is also now as strong as five pro-wrestlers, and can run 100 metres in one-second flat.
Being married and all, Bella and her longtime love toy Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) can now knock vampire boots whenever they like.
The couple have a young daughter. Goes by the name of Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy). She’s growing up fast, and is some kind of “semi-mortal” that makes the likes of the Volturi (those long-haired, well-dressed vamps from Italy way) want to kill her.
Renesmee also has part-time werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner) for a guardian angel. Don’t fret, ladies. Jake still has plenty of time free to take his shirt off.
I could go on. But that is the job of this tedious movie, which goes on and on and on. And on.
Things pick up very late in proceedings with a rather kooky climax involving vampires getting their heads ripped off clean at the shoulders.
Anyone who has had to sit through a Twilight movie against their will already knows this feeling well.
It all ends with a closing-credits shout-out to every cast member that ever stood in front of the Twilight cameras and stared blankly for seconds at a time.
Let’s move on, shall we?
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 [M]
Director: Bill Condon (Kinsey)
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Mackenzie Foy, Michael Sheen